Christmas Flashbacks............

My blog is about my feelings and my thoughts. I share them and give them over to my dear readers to process as they will. I create judgement in my head.....I question a great deal, but I believe in me and the journey I am on. That being said, there is still a filter, a protective guard that screens just how much I want to share. It only makes sense right?? Well, today I sat down to start a blog post and I thought "where is this going to take me?" The first thought that popped into my head was something that gave me a Mom pang. Gut response would be to move onto another thought. I heard words  of  "get over it". Thought to myself ..."keep it upbeat and positive after all it's Christmas time"...but OK I'm just going to say it.....I'm feeling melancholy and blue!

I am missing Christmas with my young sons...the traditions and the tenderness has truly shifted. At 15 and 19 it's just not the same!! Now I am not saying there isn't anything traditional and tender about the holiday season with teenagers, I am just saying "I miss some parts of the past!" Things now are moving so quickly and all over the place.

I have started emailing and texting to co ordinate schedules with the three important men in my Life. For example when our tree shopping outing had to be arranged. Gone are the days of bundling them up and plopping them into their car seats when Mark and I wanted to go out for our trees. On the tradition front, we've (obviously) had to let slide the nightly family time of reading a Christmas story and the times of when we would get together nightly to talk about what good deeds we had done for others through out our day in order place a piece of straw in Baby Jesus' bed.

We have modified that tradition this year. We place the straw in whenever we do a good deed and then we connect whenever we can all be together and share our stories.

This morning I said "looks like my pieces of straw are the only ones going in!" My oldest responded "oh just because I'm not putting them in doesn't mean I'm not doing good things. Haven't gotten around to that part yet." Brought a smile to my face. The fact is, Life is busier, and  our sons are off doing their own things. Which is really good and what we want as Moms, it's what we would think about as we were pouring our entire being into them in their younger years. This is why we did it, for them to be independent "good kids" getting on with their lives.

So just because there won't be any A into B assembling this Christmas eve or nibbling carrots and tossing them on the front lawn....there are moments of NOW that I will look back on and miss for sure!

I may struggle with missing the past and I realize it's just more apparent at the holidays because of the memories/traditions...but I wouldn't change anything about NOW. And also too, realizing how awesome it is that I have something so great to miss....and knowing that there is more to come, just warms my heart......enough to last a Lifetime.

Still making it happen ~ 12/9/12